This week’s match report is less sequel to last weeks’ star-studded Oscar themed affair, more straight-to-DVD disaster movie - with Trojans the bad guys in what developed into a pretty ill-tempered spectacle.

And so with clouds gathering, the day began with everyone squeezing onto a stuffy minibus (everyone apart from Linda, who sensibly thought she’d have a bit of a lie-in whilst the rest of us jostled for a seat on the ‘party’ bus). But with 15 girls finally all belted in, off we went, with the soundtrack to St Winifred’s school choir chiming along in the background. I’ve always thought there’s nothing like a good old nursery rhyme OR FIVE to get you in the mood for a good rucking, eh Dave? (*cough* sack the DJ *cough*)

Several hours down the M3 later, and with the prospect of sudden onset deafness/dropping off the edge of the south coast becoming ever more likely – Grandma Lum Wai sensibly asks for the music to be turned down to a kinder-on-the-ears setting, and for the route to be reconfigured. Good job she did, otherwise we’d have missed the 8th wonder of the world (a delightful industrial estate, complete with some discarded pallets, a car park and some shipping containers - truly breathtaking)

And so we finally arrived at our destination (albeit somewhat late), brimming with....well, full bladders. A quick convenience break, even quicker change of clothes and off out onto the pitch we went, ready to do battle with the mighty Trojans (roar!).

So the game finally kicked off, with the first phase of play resulting in Trojans catching Barnes on the back foot, and breaking through almost immediately to score. As we reset, it was clear that Trojans were fielding quite a few of their ex-first team players, and this was not going to be a walk in the park. For a Barnes team still very much in development, we did well to hold them off and to force quite a few penalties in the first half, and Full-Back Sarah probably got the closest to blazing down the right wing and scoring on more than one occasion.

The forwards and centres also did well to push the opposition back into their own half, through winning scrum after scrum. But Trojans had a secret weapon in that most of their back row and centres had (probably) centuries of rugby-playing experience between them, and exploited the gaps caused by drawing us in to ruck after ruck. All credit to them, and to the tries that followed.

So the first half ended with us 43-0 down. But an inspiring David Vs Goliath story by Andy at half time did....well, nothing to stop the tries continuing to rain down on Barnes in the second half. BUT!! In the midst of all this, there was some excellent play by Barnes. The forwards had a busy afternoon counter-rucking a rock solid Trojans defence, particular mention to Rachel ‘I think I’ve pulled!’ Lum Wai, for taking the ball into contact in attack consistently well – and to Jo for not shying away from bringing down their biggest players. Unusually for Barnes, we had the luxury of playing with flankers – which allowed April and Kat to really get stuck into some difficult tackles, as Trojans ran onto us at some considerable speed. Rhiannon also put in some blinding tackles where they mattered most.

As the second half drew to a close, there was some bizarre play developing. Dibs, emerged from one breakdown with her bra undone (I know Andy did say ‘by whatever means necessary girls...’but honestly Dibs!!), Jo brought down one player by her left boob, Rachel decided she wanted to know how pastry feels when it’s rolled out flat by a giant 24 stone rolling pin, and Chrissie momentarily pondered life in a wheelchair when she pulled their second biggest player down, only for her to land directly on top of her. In the scrums, Kat was getting to know her opposite no.7 a little too well, with their open-side shamefully chasing her down against the run of play just to give her a shove. Most unsporting, behind the refs back, and really – she should have been given a warning, but the ref seemingly ignored all the basic rules today. But then as Lorraine pointed out to his face ‘There’s a lot of things in your rule book..’ (that, and ‘You like a good blow’, to which the ref replied ‘so I’m told!’)

And so, after a hot shower, a bit of grub and a few beers, Barnes were back on the road on the way back up to the capital, still in chipper spirit. Time for a quick geography lesson for both our resident Aussie Fascist Steph, and Linda - neither of whom had any idea where in the country we’d been playing, or where Hampshire was.

The story should and would have ended there – with a quick appendix perhaps of how Andy got himself red carded for backchatting the ref from the sidelines again, and about how the final score, 88-0, reflected the girth of Trojans two most fearsome forwards. However, for those who got dropped off at the clubhouse – you missed poor Rachel ‘I’m an athlete with an inverted left breast, get me out of here’ Lum Wai’s near death experience, which took place as Dave dropped us all at Barnes station. Not realising that she’d yet to jump out of the back of the minibus (or more specifically, that she was half on, half off said vehicle..), Dave hit the accelerator and took off for home – almost hurling Rachel Lum Wai onto her arse in the middle of the car park. Once we’d stifled our laughter, we went over to help. You’ll all be pleased to hear she’ll pull through, albeit with a few more grey hairs!

That’s all from me, I have tinnitus from listening to the Troggs on repeat for 4 hours, so I’m off to lie down in a dark room. Tune in next week for the Maidenhead match report, and hopefully the return of our absent friends – the geese :)

Match details

Match date

Sun 03 Mar 2013

Kickoff

14:30

Team overview

Trojan 2 v Barnes Ladies - Not a lot to work on!