Wimbledon 18 - Occies 17

The match according to OJ...

Last Saturday saw us reigniting a traditional rivalry with Wimbledon 4s. The Dons have started well this year (having lost only one, to the current league leaders), and we knew we'd be in for a stern test. And so it proved - before the game had even started, you could tell that they had the classic club team of a gnarly forward pack, a skilful flyhalf and centre combo, plus some teenage speedsters on the flanks. We were missing some of our regulars due to injury and "international commitments" at Twickenham. We welcomed down Phil and Martin for their debuts in the backline, and were glad to see the old warhorse Pedro, "TJ" Tanguay and Monkey back from inertia/injury.

Due to some of our team being apparently surprised that Wimbledon's clubground is not right outside the tube station, we were somewhat disorganised before kick off. This was not helped by the referee blowing his whistle to start the game when Calvert was still working out if we had a full team, and indeed while I was performing my "morning ablutions" on the sidelines at the time. The Dons had the best of some pretty ordinary conditions in the first half, and they didn't waste any time in tearing into us and scoring a quick try on the flanks. We slowly found our feet, but not with enough time to prevent their 2nd score. However these scores didn't reflect possession - we were camped in their half (forcing them to concede a yellow card for repeated infringements) and Phil at fly half skilfully converted a 3 on 2 (in their favour) to thread Harry through for a lovely try.

Just as the game at Twickenham introduced fans to the concept of somone not obstructing "enough", the ref on Sat was under the impression that persistent offsides weren't an offence if our flyhalf was good enough to deal with it. Had we stuck with Calvert at 10 we might have been got a bit of joy out of the ref, but instead we had Phil, and so we didn't get a penalty there all day. The ref's excuse afterwards that he had seen the offsides, but that they didn't affect the game, was news to our 10 / 12 / 13 axis, who throughout the game received the ball and man (well, strictly, the elbow of the first man, followed by the knee of the second and then the shoulder of the third. Before then being tackled from behind by an over-enthusiastic Hitman) at the same time, stopping us from getting any momentum at all in our backline.

Our forwards had another manful effort - against a much bigger set, we dominated the scrums, held our own in the line out, and had them forced to collapse our rolling maul. The oppo had a fairly old-fashioned approach to the contact situation, and poor Calvert celebrated his return to the forwards by getting absolutely whaled on at every line-out by his opposite man (an upstanding member of the royal constabulary, we were led to believe. Presumably with the camera in his scrum cap switched off on Saturday), and his face resembled a puma's scratching post after the game. That said, once it was clear that we couldn't expect any protection from the ref (who told Phil that it was "too early" to look out for foul play at one point), we got our heads down and got on with it, so credit to the team for that.

We had every confidence that the 2nd half would be ours, and we made every effort to keep the tempo up and to run their big boys around. Phil played a strong territorial game with his kicks, and Boris put in his standard raking touchfinder, but the Dons were hard to break down in defence. We scored another, but then so did they, and all seemed lost when I collected a kick in our 22, ran sideways for 20m and then got penalised in front of the posts, leaving them with an easy kick to increase the lead. We then went straight down their end and forced a turnover, and scored a great team try with the last move of the game. Those of us who had foolishly been relying on the ref's score thought that we had levelled the scores, but in fact we were still behind by a single point. Phil's conversion started straight...but just faded wide, leaving a very relieved oppo and a frustrated Occies team. We could have won the game, but the oppo were good value for their win, so good luck to them until the return fixture at Barnes.

GOOD

- As noted, the pack had another great day. Special praise to everyone who played in the tight five for their work at the set piece, and for their speed in getting to the line out in support of Ryan, where we had much more success than my throwing-in deserved. Pedro added some grunt and go-forward when he came on. The Hitman even got asked to "take it easy" on his opposite number, who was at least twice his size.

- The backs did as well as they could in the circumstances - three well taken tries in the conditions was an impressive haul, and no less than they deserved. Santa did a good job in getting the ball away from our side as quickly as possible, plus he notched up several turnovers from the oppo's scrum - his tactic this year of just crying 'ball out' at the scrum and taking it from the feet of their 2nd row continues to pay dividends.

- Was good to see the team keeping their morale and discipline in the face of a demanding day at the office. Despite the number of new faces, people were encouraging each other for the full game, and nearly everyone stayed behind for a few after the game.

- The Dons gave us a great reception in their clubhouse - with their no. 7 (by now wearing a dress) coming over to buy us a pitcher and to offer to Fitzy the red ribbon of peace in a tribute to his warrior spirit. Sadly, unlike our last visit to Wimbledon, there was no "Jasmine Buttz" waiting for us in the clubhouse to share her views on the refurbishment of the clubhouse (and much, much more).

BAD

- In conditions like that, we need to show more composure and do everything we can to look after the ball. That means dropping on any loose balls and (as Phil pointed out in the half time talk) not kicking the ball away unless your name is Phil.

- While the ref was a bit of a pain, we're at risk of turning into a bit of a team of arm-flappers. If the ref hasn't seen a knock on, you need to bust your gut and make your next tackle, not stand around complaining. The oppo played the whistle, and the ref, better than we did, and as a result they're looking back on a win at the weekend. Plus, as a pack, we need to work harder to get to the breakdown and hit the rucks (rather than just tell your centre to "try staying on your feet for longer", as I did)

- The cold showers that awaited us after the game.

- Calvert's face for being so damn punchable. Maybe he reminded the police officer of a young(ish) Chris Huhne?

- the ref seemingly enjoying thwarting our attempts to raise the tempo of the game, by slowing it down at every opportunity. If your control of the scrum engagement is so delayed that both sets of front rows are openly sniggering (and that's even before Hitman starts shouting "Charge! Charge!"), then maybe consider speeding it up? Points also for his ever more inventive excuses for not allowing a quick line out (eg "you can't take a line out until i've blown my whistle." "You can't take a quick line out if the ball has gone beyond the boundary of play (ie the rope 1m off the sideline)") and him taking a few minutes to question a clearly-not-concussed-just-a-bit-slow Wimbledon player in the opening minutes. "What half is it? And what team do you play for? Good, good you're clear to play"

FUNNY

- The French pair of Jean-Baptiste and Martin did nothing to dispel national stereotypes - arriving at the game wearing a black polo neck (with a jumper over the shoulder) and a white and black striped top, and, as the match teas were doled out, they had all the oppo patiently waiting for ages as they applied just the right amount of seasoning to their horsemeat pasta. Special points for asking if a version of the Barnes kit existed without the rose on the chest, as it "burned" them.

- the ref lecturing a bemused Fitzy (who as hooker was tapping his left arm to indicate to Santa that he was ready for the put-in at the scrum) for "releasing his bind under pressure. And I will penalise you for that".

Tries - Harry, Jean (I think?), TJ

MOM - An easy one this week - Phil had a great game on his debut. He drilled his kicks, made his breaks, and on several occasions he stripped possession from people thrice his size. Never stopped chuntering about the ref for the full 80 mins, a true son of the North. Creditable mentions also to Harry for his try and to Fitzy for (again) a stout performance in the forwards.