Croydon 0 - 44 Mayfair Occasionals

Croydon 0 – 44 Mayfair Occasionals
"Quality of decision is like the well-timed swoop of a falcon which enables it to strike and destroy its victim." - Sun Tzu
This Saturday we made the long journey out to deepest darkest Croydon, where we faced an unknown quantity in the form of Croydon RFC. We were due to play Arioch Crusaders, but the University of Durham exiles were in no mood to face us so we ventured further south of London.
Indeed, as the game we played the previous week was so arduous, there were calls from some quarters that we should have had a week off and given ourselves plenty of recovery time ready for the Le Crunch against London French (or should that be Londres francais?). In any case, I (having not played for quite a few weeks now) decided to push on with a friendly and we picked up Croydon from the exchange).
Whilst going through our ‘warm-up’ of introducing ourselves to Oli Drummond (debutant); Oli Haines (back from a long absence in Singapore) and me (captain, but absent for far too many games), it became acutely apparent that the opposition may struggle to put out a full side of 15.
“Dont worry” I happily told their captain, “we have just the player for you so we can play 15 v 15”. Before I could ask if he would oblige, Monkey had already discarded the green and gold shirt for a Croydon replacement.
In truth the game started quite competitive, with our first try coming after around 20mins. From then on, however, the game was completely one-way traffic.
The Good:
• Bully's 40m solo run culminating in a diving try in the corner.
• Calvert's run punching through the middle, before he ran out of steam and was frightened of the last line of defence – Monkey. Eventually he offloaded for OJ to score.
• Defensive clean sheet. This was all the more impressive given we were hugely under pressure in the last few minutes and we kept them out despite having clearly won the game
• Whitey’s running on the wing (and from 8)
• Lots of hammer ball & dominating in the tight
• Playing in Green and Gold once again!
• Great, free-flowing rugby. Lots of backing up and plenty of ambitious running. Vintage Occies.
• The scrum! Possibly the most random pack we have named in a long time and the oppo were a gnarly old lot, but we didn't take a backward step.
• Tries, tries and more tries. HUGE Berthier, Pagey, OJ, Calvert, Ollie Haines, Dewy, Tom Clarke, Whitey, Bully all got their name on the scoresheet.
• The successful return of Occies legends Gordon, Haines and... Me!
• The ref waving play on following one (of many) falcons – “Play on, off the head!”
The Bad:
• My concussion. In actual fact I remember very little from the game and so although I have written this match report, it could all be lies.
• Some amazingly bad hands. Basic failure to catch. Passes going every which way but behind the passer and into the bread-basket. #
• If we are going to run all over the place, we need to make sure we don't get turned at the breakdown. Given we were running them all over the park there is no excuse for not recycling possession.
• My leg. Apparently I was literally playing with sh_t smeared all over it leg until forced to clean it off so we could have a scrum.
• Monkey saving two tries for the oppo, plus stopping me at full charge and stripping me of me McEnroe thongband.
• OJ, demanding of me on my second ever appearance at hooker “Tom, we need a cleaner strike in the scrum. Make sure the next one is clean. Ok?”
• Nobody being able to tackle the 16 year old
• Apparently we have had some kit going missing; please can we all make sure the socks, shirts and socks are returned please?
The Silly:
The ref's early comment: "Number 7, please either join the ruck or get to
the back foot... but don't just lean on it like you have in the last two."; priceless (sorry OJ)
• Opposition 9's thick glasses
• Monkey and my tussles while Monkey was play for the oppo.
• Hitman Hartley trying to give a rousing team talk with his gumshield in.
• Croydon pumping up their music before the game. Calvert thinking 'Jump Around' by House of Pain was gangsta rap by N.W.A
• Our snobby comments about Croydon being unsafe being put into perspective by a spectator who went “Mayfair Occasionals? I was expecting a team of rent boys or something”. Social rugby - bridging divides.
• The Hitman lecturing me on front row play
• Morgs making a great run before trying to slide in to the tryline on his knees
• OJ making a 20m run untouched before thinking he was playing touch football and running backwards to avoid contact

The Unconfirmed:
• Me passing the ball.
• Gordon's pronouncement that Chris Huhne looks like Calvert with grey hair.
• Whoever it was that tripped Calvert - who gave a slo-mo Picamoles-esque dive!

DOD
Good to see Morgz back with some solid defence and shoring up at the breakdown. But 3 turnovers from 4 touches of the ball and a season Falcon tally of "2" after just 60 minutes of play leaves the selectors with no choice on this one. Catching drills please.

MOM
Loads of backing up, solid line out throws, manning up for the tight five when much fatter players wouldn't and a meat pie to top it off - congratulations Pagey. "Gingers can do anything!" Not a bad shout on the post-match sculled pint either. Work on Saturday night must have felt like a one man party.