Luxury Spa day out for Harrodians….

My my my ……..how things change! Last week after an indulgent City Lunch where the combination of fine wine, so many friendly faces (old and new) and uncontrollable laughter ensued; this week we find ourselves at the mercy of a Siberian onslaught!

On Friday we had a squad of 19 with our away fixture confirmed and some debut appearances for this season on the sheet…….
Sean Lewis aka ‘Son of Buster’ decided there was no better time to get involved with the season than at the very end of it and so his shirt was duly booked and the highly talented Chris Codo who I last played 2s rugby with four years ago enjoyed City Lunch so much that he yearned a proper slice of the action.
Meanwhile ‘man flu’ had besieged Dizzy who had to pull out on Saturday, Gundog had a sore toe, Jose’s rash has spread and Barney has been kidnapped in the dodgy Soho place where Jonny had frequented, who was also away in Hong Kong………….hmmmm!

Saturday morning turned into a series of ‘Count Down’ with Dorking advising me at 0900 it was snowing and a pitch inspection would take place at 1200. Dam it I thought…..this throws Skips mental preparation into disarray – do I tell the Guys now and afford them a little preparation time or do I take the risk of a late cancellation……..the mind pondered! Do bear in mind Vets athletes have a habit of suddenly becoming unavailable if a cancelled league game is replaced with a ‘friendly’ fixture at the last moment, worst still I knew that Gus would welcome some additional time to fit in extra Saturday morning cleaning errands!

Tick tock tick tock……..1100 and guys were hoping the fixture was off……..though Brucie was already on his way to Waterloo……..1115 and Dorking Twitter feed was in a frenzy………1130 I washed my balls and noticed one was slightly bigger than the other…………1145 snow seemed to have stopped and rain ensued - I pumped up my slightly deflated ball…………1200 Dorking confirmed game on!!
Yes…..the skips email and text machine went into overdrive and the guys ran from wives who had been let down at the last moment with frail promises of ‘yes Darling, if its off we can go to Homebase and buy more pebbles for the bathroom and some of that lovely Jasmine oil you like…….’!!!!

On arrival at Dorking we were greeted with a Club that had transformed its Club House superbly and changing rooms to die for (time for a BRFC Club Euro lottery syndicate me thinks!?), so I was quick to make sure the kit was hung with usual precision – the guys deserve nothing less.

Usual pre-match preparation was condensed into ten minutes as Siberia was unleashing its worst upon Dorking’s open and exposed pitches with a bitter wind and sleet.
The pre-match chat from Moi included the understatement of the year “……and it will be a bit wet, damp and stodgy……” This was met with much laughter which I can only assume was because Duncan had previously shared stories about his first ever girlfriend when he was 21!!!!
At one stage Splints, Marek and Gus sought my counsel as to whether Splints should go 15 or Marek, Sheds over heard this high level strategic backs discussion and politely reminded the Three Musketeers that……..”what the f£$%* does Skips know, he’s a f£$%* Prop”. Un be known to Sheds I watch all Quade Copper’s moves and re-enact them during Summer Touch…….its a spectacle!!!

We took to the pitch.
Correction!
As I am not a BBC reporter it’s just not within me to misrepresent the facts with such ease!
We took to an area of land which once had grass and some did still exist in the top left corner, the land was only identifiable as a ruby playing area by white posts either end, it’s the sort of place that resembled a watering hole during the Kenyan wet season after a 1000 wildebeest have stampede it. If Calsberg wanted to promote the most idyllic luxurious holiday destination to Pigs……well destination Dorking it would have been!!

Best of all, Headmaster referee gathered both teams together…..oh lets say average playing years experience of 30 years per player and he went on to explain the games laws with meticulous attention to detail….tick tock tick tock even Ed Stafford started to wish he was back alone on an island!

We kicked off………….
And that is the end of the match report!

What I can report on is a mud wrestling contest that ensued and has shattered all our dreams of http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIuvlqKX0TY
instead we managed to just about catch a brown wet sloppy ball, just about pass the same wet sloppy ball and there was plenty of random kicking of the same muddy wet sloppy ball.
I don’t think I saw it bounce once but it did splash a plenty.

We dominated in the scrums and had parity in the lineouts. We interlinked exceptionally well and surprisingly kept the ball alive really well in the loose. It was bitterly cold and numb fingers soon set in, but we played with a real burning spirit as did Dorking who put up one hell of fight and did score a well worked try. We simply had the upper hand with the forwards doing the real work and the backs doing the pretty bit!!!

Some classic moments would include; Son of Buster on many an Ox like raging stampede – Awesome we need to see more of that, Splints starting to pass like Gus – never thought that would happen, Stads almost tackled me but went for the knees in the ribs option instead! Clappy, is just playing with such form he won’t be retiring from my squad yet, Sheds and Jerry G were the happiest little piggy’s in mud and all the pack played really well, especially Codo who hasn't lost any bit of that Azuri flare and Wasps grit!

St Bernard did his best to bring some order and structure to the Mayhem and I salute the backs for adapting their usual slick moves of scissors, switches, miss-passes and cutting angles to a mishmash of knock-on’s, fumbles, forward passes and some ludicrous kicks – how the hell you scored tries is beyond me!!!

But we did and handsomely so, in fact a truly outstanding performance against a slightly younger Dorking Vets than previous encounters, yet still a determined and passionate side who made us work hard for all our points.

With the game over, Clappy must have sprinted to the showers as he can’t be seen in the Photo and I have counted three times, mind you working out who is who is, is a challenge – answers on a postcard please?

We enjoyed Dorkings hot showers, beer and hospitality and a few more were enjoyed by a handful of us at Gus local which he has shares in!

The team which managed to produce the muddiest kit ever and my sincerest apologies to our laundry team as it might be better to bake the kit dry rather than wash it, included:

1 Jerry G
2 Finch
3 Sheds
4 Clappy
5 Brucie
6 Rob Allen
7 Chris Codo
8 Staffs

9 Gus
10 Polish Express
11 Barney R
12 Morgs
13 Splints
14 Stads
15 Cris Pini

Bench
16 Tom Ringtone
17 Son of Buster
18 Duncan
19 Marty

Tries: Jerry G, Morgs, Cris Codo - on debut too, Staffs and Splints x 2
Cons: Marek x 3

Next week its Easter Egg hunts with families and friends so our next fixture is Old Paulines at Home on 6th April……yippy Happy New Tax year!!!

Love Skips x
PS I have just been informed that the brave Dorking player, Andy, who left the pitch injured yestedrday, is feeling better despite ten stiches in his lip and a black eye. It was a freak accident and it was his first game back since last May. Andy when you come to Barnes next season your drinks are on us - great spirit Mate, its what makes Dorking such a great Club - Finch.....