Find the Occies match reports below the results tables in this section

---

 

Occies Captains for the 2011/2012 season Tom Sunderland and Alex Rigg

---

4th XV - Mayfair Occasionals

The Occies!

JOINT CAPTAINS FOR 2011/2012

Alex Rigg and Tom Sunderland

You can contact Alex:

By email: Alex.Rigg@swiftcover.com or by mobile: 07849 017839

 

You can contact Tom:

By email: sunderlandt@googlemail.com or by mobile: 07730610261

---

About the Occies ethos...

The rugby player, John Dickenson once said: "The pub is as much a part of rugby as is the playing field."

This is very much the ethos of the Occasionals.  As the name suggests, we are the social team at Barnes, if you cannot train and commit a large amount of time to a club but still want to enjoy a good standard of rugby and the clubhouse banter afterwards then this is the team for you

Off the pitch - we are the embodiment of the social side of the game, attending/taking part in various sporting events and frequently meeting up for drinks - The All Blacks motto: "Subdue and penetrate" takes on a whole different meaning when the Occie’s are out on town!

So if you play like an all star & party like a rock star then the Occie’s are the team for you.

---

Occies (4th XV) results for 2011/2012

Date	Teams	Home or away	Result	For	Against
Sept 10th	vs London Scottish 5th XV	H	W	24	12
Sep  17th	vs Battersea Ironsides 3rd XV	A	W	64	0
Sept 24th	vs Warligham 2's	H	L	10	33
Oct   1st	vs Camberley 2's	A	L	7	57
Oct   8th	vs Dorking 3rds	H	W	28	26
Oct  15th	No Game
Oct  22nd	vs Chobham 2nds	H	L	14	50
Oct  29th	vs Wimbledon St Georges	A	W	23	22
Nov  5th	vs Haselmere	H	W	69	5
Nov  12th	vs  Old Whitgiftians	H	W	24	14
Nov  19th	vs Bec Old Boys 2's	A	W	21	16
Nov  26th	vs Old Rutlishians 2's	A	W	60	22
Dec   3rd	vs KCS Old Boys	H	W	29	15
Dec  10th	NO GAME
Dec 17th    Dec 24th	vs Chobham 2's   XMAS BREAK	A

 

 

Date	Teams	Home or away	Result	For	Against
Jan  7th 12	vs	H
Jan 14th	vs Camberley 2's	A	L	13	14
Jan 21st	vs Hammersmith and Fulham	H	W	21	19
Jan 28th	vs Dorking 3rd XV	A	L W/O	-	-
Feb 4th	vs Sutton and Epsom	A
Feb 12	vs	A
Feb 12	vs
Feb 12	vs	H
Feb 12	vs	H
Mar 12	vs	A
Mar 12	vs	A
Mar 12	vs	H
Apr 12	vs	H
Apr  12	vs	A

 

 

26th Nov 2011

Mayfair Occasionals 60 – 22 Old Ruts

---

When I originally sent round the teamsheet for this game we had a full squad of 22 players and confidence was high as we travelled to the other side of Wimbledon to take on Old Ruts in a friendly. However, the teamsheet of 22 was due to play a game at home, kicking off at 12noon. Our opposition pulled out of this, so the rearranged game at Old Ruts was very last minute. Unfortunately many of the players, that had originally confirmed, could no longer make the game so our numbers dwindled to a paltry 16. This led to several players having to play out of position: including Tommy Edmond (normally a flanker) playing in the centre; Mal and the festively named Santa (both normally play at scrum half) took a half on the wing each and Gus graciously accepted the call to play at hooker – although this was possibly penance for turning up 45mins late. Narcissistically, however, I didnt care too much about any of this, as it marked my return to the pitch 7 weeks after fracturing my clavicle.

As we warmed up, it became apparent that Old Ruts had a bizarre physical makeup in their team: their forwards appeared to be huge, especially their number 5; whereas the backs looked tiny like children, much to the delight of our more ‘creepy’ teammates.

Pleasingly we were on the prime first team pitch in front of the Old Ruts clubhouse and we also had use of their scoreboard (once I kept reminding/bullying one of their subs to keep it up to date with the game). Another first for us saw us don an All Blacks-esque Barnes kit.

We started the game with uncontested scrums, which was disappointing as we had a strong front row (thanks to Ben Mann for coming to play for us as the 3s didn’t have a game). However, once the AWOL prop from Old Ruts turned up, a quick substation was made and we were on for contested scrums. The first contested scrum really set the standard for the remainder of the game, as we marched their pack backwards, gaining us a penalty.

From this moment on, it really was total rugby from us and we totally dominated.  With the ball in hand we played as well as we have done all season. There were lots of tries and the only tries we conceded were from our high risk plays (eg running the ball from our 22). This is an acceptable consequence of playing such enjoyable, open rugby.

One of our better tries in the first half was Tommy Edmond (allegedly out of position) running the length of pitch to score.

The half time score was 29-10 and we set the goal of hitting 50 points by full time.

The second half continued in much in the same vein, with us cutting lots of runs through the gaping holes through their defence.

At one point I found myself at the bottom of a ruck and a stray boot caught me in the face. I immediately held onto the offending boot, convinced that someone had attempted to shoe me in the face. Consequently the red mist descended and I found myself crouched over a baby-faced back with fist cocked as he apologised profusely. I quickly calmed down.

At one stage, whilst walking down the touchline and complaining to the ref about something, I overheard someone in the crowd say to his mate “Their number 4 looks like John McEnroe with that daft headband and dodgy ‘tache”. I couldn’t resist this golden opportunity for a terrible ‘joke’ as I turned to them and rebutted “you cant be serious”. There was a defending silence so I quickly jogged on and rejoined play.

There were too many tries to remember them all, but from my memory:

OJ got 1

Johnny B got 1

Suki got 2

Tommy Edmond at least 1

Benny P at least 1

Andy H got a great try in the corner following a lovely flowing sucession of passes down the backline.

Indeed, it was pleasing that everyone got their hands on the ball for a decent amount of time.

Despite having numerous attempts at them, I think Mike McBrinn left his conversion boots back in Barnes, as at least one of his attempts was akin to Victor Matfield’s attempt for the BaaBaas!

One pleasing highlight was the amount of Movembers on show from the Old Ruts team; great work from them!

Man of the match- after such a big win in a fun game to play in, it is difficult to pick a MOM, as so many players put in decent performances. Special mention to our front row for dominating the scrum and for Ben Mann for agreeing to play for us as such short notice. Ben will be well known due to the various potions and concoctions that he was drinking before, during and after the game (all were different colours). Indeed, it is probably the first time that a player has taken to the old school communal baths with a drink of organic beetroot juice, post game.

Man of the match- for playing out of position, and appearing to be a complete natural there- Tommy Edmond.

We all hope that a certain Mr Sharpe will have made a speedy recovery from his agonising back pain that forced him out last week. Apparently he worked from home one day last week, and the rigid wooden dining room chair emasculated him, causing excruciating pain. Apparently.

(As you can tell from this match report, I was back on the pitch and no longer watching injured from the sidelines. This meant I couldn’t remember much after the game, so actual game details are sketchy at best)

---

 

19th Nov 2011 Mayfair Occasionals 29 – 18 Bec Old Bods

---

We made the short trip to Earlsfield to play a well-drilled (they train EVERY Tuesday & Thursday!?) Bec Old Boys team that fielded surprisingly few Saffas.

Administrative ‘Captain’ Alex Wigg installed hope in the Barnes pack by informing us that we had a new addition to the front row; Hartley, who joined us from the 3’s, in exchange for Santa/Millfield Monkey who got ‘called-up’ after only 40 minutes on the pitch last week. Needless to say, despite turning up clad entirely in Ulster STASH, Hartley didn’t disappoint and along with Occasional stalwart Ducky, provided a solid platform in the first half.

Despite playing up the slope in the first-half (only the Barnes subs seemed to be happy about this), and the opposition attempting to disrupt our carefully scripted ‘warm-up’; kicking practice, a bit of touch & some overly complicated line-outs, by sticking us in the girls changing room, we started the match uncharacteristically composed. Indeed, 5 minutes in an unknown Barnes player (sorry to whoever this is, I spent most of the first half (unsuccessfully) trying to crack BOB’s line-out calls) smashed the BOB centre, dislodging the ball into Suki’s welcoming hands who ran round half the BOB back-line to touch down in the corner. Good Start!

Barnes then spent the next 10 minutes on the back foot, and despite some big hits from the pack and an exceptional turnover from Fly-Half/Flanker Huw, BOB kicked a penalty followed by an unconverted try in the corner.

BOB continued applying pressure, clearly enjoying playing down the hill and were rewarded with a scrum 5 metres from Barnes’s line. Despite a substantial weight/hill advantage, the BOB tight-five decided to wheel their own scrum 180, the Ref helpfully pointed this out to scrum-half Mal who half-inched the ball from under the BOB’s flankers foot and legged it half-way up the pitch. 7 points saved. Good lad.

Barnes finished the half on a high when some good hands from Suki and Huw set Hughes free who finished well in the corner.

Barnes started the second half poorly, seemingly deciding that simply having the slope would yield try’s. It didn’t, and despite some sterling counter-rucking from Calvert, making his return after a lengthy period on the side-line due to a nasty looking broken toe-nail, BOB scored first, knocking over a penalty to retake the lead.

This 3 point slap from BOB managed to wake us up. Decent line-out ball (first of the day I think (despite my excessive use of leg tape)) enabled Suki to charge through the BOB midfield, two quick phases later and Sharpie was rumbling over the BOB line, NOT getting held up thanks to the (Barnes Committee) Referee’s excellent eyesight/positioning. Two more try’s followed with Suki again powering through the BOB midfield and Will aggressively chasing Huw’s kick, which was poorly fielded by the BOB fullback, to gather and score under the posts.

The match finished with BOB crossing the Barnes line for a consolation try in the last minute after what felt like 30 phases. Credit to the entire team for continuing to make the tackles and defending with the same intensity as they had at the start, even though we knew it was the last play of the game.

The Good

·         Jamie P & CJ stepping up to play front row – it would have been 3 points lost otherwise - thanks!

·         The tackling - Gus put in a thumping hit early on whilst Sharpie’s entirely legal tackle caused the BOB captain to complain of a “bruised oesophagus”  – they looked ”big & drilled” whilst warming up on the scrum machine, but didn’t want to know by the end of the match.

·         The post-match food; spaghetti, chilli muscles & chunky chips at the Wandle – I don’t think we’ll be able to return the favour.

·         Mal’s 1st half breaks

·         Suki & CJ’s generosity

The Bad

·         The re-shaped line-out, should have stayed with “Monkey Ball”, and also not realising  that a regular thrower (Johnny B) had come on at half time and continuing to ask Pagey to do it.

·         Our apparent inability to concentrate for a full 80-mins.

·         The STASH

MOTM: Suki – 2 excellent individual tries as well as sucking in a few defenders and delivering the pass for the Hugues try

---

 

 

12th Nov 2011 Mayfair Occasionals 24-14 Old Whiftgiftians

---

We started this game with a fully recognised front row for the first time in a long time. Buffy was a welcome sight as he took his usual position in the number 1 shirt, and we were joined by two new players introduced to the side by the departing Benny Anderson. Another prodigal son for the Occies side, following sweating and ‘creeping’ his way round South Easy Asia, was OJ.

Before the game, our returning resident Statto, OJ, informed us that the OW side had a results list comparable to our own and that this game would be “tough”

We started the game very well and had an early penalty opportunity to go 3 points up but unfortunately Huw missed. We had another bout of bad luck when one of our new Aussie contingent, Lynden, pulled up on the sideline with a nasty looking knee injury, after he had hyper-extended it. Ouch. Hopefully he will make a speedy recovery. This injury led to the introduction of another of Benny’s mates, Gav. Lynden’s injury meant that our recognised front row was over after only 10minutes. Fortunately the hero that is Jamie Page stepped up to the front row and our scrummaging was not hindered at all.

The first half continued and turned into a war of attrition. Indeed, I was considering opening a book with supporters, assuming it would be 0-0. The game was by no means boring to watch, however. One particularly sadistic highlight was watching a break by OJ and the supporting run by Mike McBrinn. OJ stepped inside one of the on-rushing OW defenders, and whilst the tackling player was lying prone on the ground, Mike attempted to hurdle him. What actually happened was a large stamp on his crotch. Very accidental, very harsh, but so very funny!

Eventually OW started to dominate proceedings, and they scored a deserved try following a missed tackle. 0-7. The first half then continued as tackling practice for the Occies as wave after wave of OW attack was thwarted. Fantastic hits were in abundance all over the pitch, in particular from Mike and Gav. OW really were on top at this point, as they dominated all play, except the scrums.

However, in the final play of the first half, we had a rare break forwards and scored a try following a rolling maul in the forwards. The person clutching the ball underneath the pile of players was non other than Buffy! Fantastic return to the team.

Half time, 5-7.

We made several changes at half time including: Huw from 10 to second row; Lee coming on to make his debut at 10; Santa (yes, that is his name) coming on for his debut at 9.

OW started well and missed a drop goal attempt early on. Huw, clearly forgetting he had been moved into second row from number 10, made a great break and put in a powerful grubber down the wing that nearly led to a try.

Debutant Lee at 10 made the punchy call to kick a goal when we had a penalty 10m inside the OW half. The accuracy was spot on, but the power was just short of a superb penalty.

The game then took another turn and reinforced the old cliché ‘a game of two halves’ as Occies completed dominated the game. Sharpie was the gleeful recipient of a number 8 pushover try. This was especially pleasing as we had a back row in at prop (Pagey); a number 10 in the second row (Huw); and a prop at number 8 (Sharpie). 12-7

Suki, following on from his recent man of the match award, was playing well again. He put in one hit that was easily smash of the match, crumpling the OW player in the process. However, I have to mention his attempted chip and charge over the top of the OW defence. The kick was not executed exactly as he would have wanted and the OW defender easily collected the ball and ran past him.

The Occies continued the dominant display and eventually scored another try through the immeasurably happy Kris Roepke. As I ran onto the pitch to give the kicking tee to Lee, Kris ran past me jumping in the air and whooping with delight. 17-7

It was at this point that OW (and their supporters) lost discipline. Monkey and I enjoyed ‘constructive’ arguments with their supporters. (They may have interpreted our comments as insolence, however). Anyway, the OW players grew increasingly frustrated and at one stage Welshman Lee was on the receiving end of a Sam Warburton-esque tackle. Sadly Alain Rolland was nowhere in sight and the referee waved played on.

We scored our final try via Sharpie, following more of a solo effort than his first. He picked up the ball around the OW 22m line, and started off on an arching run through a couple of tackles and then straightened up to plough straight through the fullback. This gave Monkey and I plenty more ‘banter’ material with the OW supporters. 24-7

The game then finished with OW scoring a try under our posts, after a large hole by a ruck. 24-14.

Man of the match – there were numerous contenders: Lee was very impressive on his debut; Santa, despite having terrible hair, was also good in support of numerous breaks; Huw must also be commended on playing so well in second row; however, the winner is Jamie Page for stepping up and playing prop for over two thirds of the game. He also put in a great effort in Wandsworth Town’s Grand Union on Saturday night, even being lifted up in THAT pose when the Dirty Dancing song started.

---

5th Nov 2011 Mayfair Occasionals 69-5 Haslemere

---

We were due to start this friendly with 14 players, due to various late dropouts; one of whom was Luke Blackman, as his wife went into labour on Saturday morning. All the best from the Occies. Fortunately for us, Suki came to the rescue and boosted our numbers to 15 for the friendly against Haslemere. Haslemere were a complete unknown to us, as we have never played them before. Having said that, Andy Day informed me that Haslemere were “very beatable” on the day before the game. So, we were in a relatively confident and relaxed mood as we got changed at Fortress Barn Elms. I was still injured so there as a spectator. That meant I could actually write a match report based on what happened in the game, and not in my imagination. Thank God for Notes on the iPhone.

After the referee had given a 20 minutes sermon on how to play rugby, there was still no sign of our Guildford-suburb counterparts. The main worry here was the fading light over south west London. Eventually Haslemere did appear onto the pitch, but it soon became apparent that they only had 13 players. Being our resident we-have-a-spare-player-if-you-want-him, Monkey valiantly stepped up and agreed to turn out for them. We also agreed to match their numbers and play 14 v 14, with Morgz stepping aside and being our only sub.

The first half was a bit rusty from the Occies; we clearly were the better side – frankly, you could see that from the warmup – but we lacked the cutting edge. We regularly made line breaks, but just couldn’t find the final pass. Several balls were knocked on. One such example of this was an Occies break through simple daisy-chain passing down the backline. However, the move ended with the ball being knocked on after two Occies players ran into each other!

Monkey, as he often has done in the past, decided to play his best rugby when playing against us. In one instance, he found himself in a 1 on 1 situation with the infamous ‘drunk’ running Mike McBrinn; Monkey managed to not only tackle Mike, but also force a knock on.

The first 30 minutes were all played in the Haslemere 22m. Eventually their resolute defence cracked after a break from the late call-up Suki; Suki offloaded the ball to the supporting Martin and he duly scored under the posts. A confident (definitely NOT arrogant) drop kick conversion was scored by Huw and we were 7-0 up.

Huw continued to keep Haslemere pinned into their 22, with long kicks throughout the half.

One of the first half highlights was the referee saying to Suki “please can you make more of an effort with your arms in the tackle” to which Bolywood’s Ladykiller retorted “I’ll try”.

Whilst I was still chuckling to myself on the sideline, Haslemere suddenly broke from open play and found themselves with a one man overlap in their first attack. Try for Haslemere, totally against the run of play.

Occies tried to respond but frustration grew and grew: there were fantastic breaks from Huw, Suki, Mike, Matt, and others but the final pass oft resulted in a dropped ball or forward pass.

Eventually we managed to get another try. This time Sharpie made a good break, decided to ignore the screams of the flapping Gillard next to him and instead pop a pass out to Morgz, who graciously accepted and scored under the posts to chants of “Aussie Thunder” from the Occies backs. The (definitely arrogant) conversion was missed, 12-5 to the Occies.

The resultant restart was caught by Gillard, passed inside to Sharpie at full charge, steaming straight at Monkey. Monkey managed to dive on the floor and get himself tangled up in Sharpies legs. The result was a tackle (of sorts). Sharpie did not appreciate the abuse I gave him for being tackled by Monkey…Neither did Monkey, now I think about it…

Benny P loved his time in the forwards, as he made breaks and provided supporting runs all over the pitch. It was nice to see him actually doing some work in a game of rugby!

Mike was also having an impressive day, with lots of breaks and great offloads.

The half time score was, unbelievably, only 12-5 in our favour. The half time team talk was an easy one: more of the same please; an extra 3% of luck and the tries will come raining in.

They did exactly that! But, before that happened…

At one point, Sharpie made another break and offloaded the ball to Benny; Benny then offloaded to Tommy for a great try under the posts, but it was dropped!

Another equally frustrating moment came when we had a great counter attack down the touchline, Huw passed on to Benny; Benny passed onto Tommy Edmond; Tommy made the final pass to Suki for a try under the posts…but it was deemed forwards!

Gillard, keen as ever to make lineouts more complicated than they need to be, screamed a call with glee “Aussie Thunder!” Unfortunately the timing was off and Haslemere got possession of the ball. The lineouts started off in a mysterious manner. Gillard had an ‘injury’ to his shoulder and so started calling the lineouts to Tommy. However, once he saw how easily Tommy was winning the ball, he suddenly made a miraculous ‘recovery’ and started calling every single lineout to himself.

Sadly, Morgz injured his achilles, much to the bemusement of his surrounding players: “but no one was near you mate”

Again it looked as though the Haslemere defence would hold out against fantastic runs from many people, including breaks from Benny, Mike and Martin.

The uncompetitive scrummaging lead to our forwards having more energy than is the norm and they used this energy running fantastic support lines. This (along with poor Haslemere tackling) was the catalyst for our numerous subsequent tries:

• ·         Simple passes down the line for Suki to score in the corner
• ·         Sharpie score from a 5m scrum in front of the posts; this scrum breaking at will at this pointwas given due to a Haslemere ‘clearance’ kick that actually went backwards and dead!
• · Another Suki try on the wing following an overlap. We were
• ·         Benny scored after a break by Sharpie and good work from Matt
• ·         Another Suki try
• ·         Tommy scored a deserved try following Kris catching a difficult high ball, running it back with interest, offloading to Matt who then offloaded to Tommy at pace
• ·         Matt made another break, passing to Mike. Mike had a 5 man overlap but went himself and scored easily
• ·         Much to his delight, Gillard scored and handed off a despairing Monkey in the process. Following the try, Gillard shouted “Shotgun taking the kick” much to the annoyance of the embarrassed Haslemere team.
• ·         Rory finished off the try fest with a try in the corner with the last play of the game

Man of the match is a difficult one, as so many players played so well. Great breaks and supporting runs were made by all of our back row: Sharpie, Matt, Tommy, Benny; but simply for scoring so many tries and agreeing to play with only 2 hours’ notice, the man of the match has to be Suki.

---

 

 

29th Oct 2011 - Mayfair Occasionals 23 – 22 Wimbledon St George

---

Reminiscences were shared, during the short glide down the A3 to Wimbledon RFC, between veterans of last year’s clash with Wimbledon St George. The ears of a new breed of Occies player, unsullied as yet by the brutal violence that ensues when someone stupidly kicks a cantabrian prop in the back of the head, pricked up, and eyebrows were raised as the story was recounted.

Was the game REALLY called off for violence?

Did they REALLY not have the guts to come to Fortress Barnes for the return leg?

Did (schoolteacher) Nick Melson REALLY tear off his headgear and chase that guy round the pitch shouting, “stand still so I can punch you”?

Did the wrong guy REALLY get his face re-arranged, as the guilty culprit skulked away and kept quiet?

Did I really advise the entire team to “go no comment” in the changing room afterwards?

Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, and (Sorry, that’s privileged).

On a totally unconnected note, has anyone heard from Blair recently? We know that he had to return home to help out post quake, but rumours abound that he walks amongst us again. Either way, the best wishes of all Occies, old and new, are extended to him.

Anyhow, in Tom’s absence, I reluctantly agreed to skipper, which brought the unusual privilege of actually being allowed to discuss the referee’s decisions with him throughout the match (This did manage to save me a spell in the sin bin when one of their players “ducked into” my forearm, however).

A balmy mid-September day greeted us (in late October), and mercifully we had had the benefit of some midweek rain, to slightly soften the ground. Perfect conditions all round.

We got off to a strong start, having fielded a seriously beefy pack (oh, and Jamie “I am welsh. Honestly, you can check my passport” Page), and bullied them up front for the first 10 minutes. Dan “that black and white semi-naked photo of me came about due to me trying to help a mate out who needed a “model-looking” guy” Wilson absolutely smashed his opposite winger, causing him to have to be carried off, with some sort of back spasm. The pack then rolling mauled about 25yds up field, only for Huw “you don’t need to check my passport to tell I’m welsh” Davies to drop a goal, and walking back to the halfway line muttering something about: “Hook; Jones; France; Warburton not a red card; Damnit!”.

We were feeling pretty smug at the restart, which almost certainly led to their 2 tries in very quick succession. Although their forwards weren’t great, their backline was pretty useful, and, before we knew it, we were staring at our navels, and 12-3.

It was not to last however, as there followed one of the all time great Barnes tries. The back row of Richard “enough about me, let’s talk about me” Sharpe, Jamie Page, and Tommy “you know that one nice South African that everyone says they’ve met? That’s me. I get around” Edmonds perpetrated 3 illegal steals, in shirt order (6, 7, 8 for you backs out there). Suddenly, Tommy was away down the right wing, galloping at considerable pace. He stepped one man, and then, in his own words “desperately looked for someone with the legs to score”. That man was Jay “I haven’t played since school” Patel, who pouched the offload, beat another man, and flew between the posts. Epic.

Benny  “another example of the public school system producing chinless, but thoroughly decent human beings” Thompson slotted the conversion, and we were at 10-12.

Inspired by the try, our tight five were on fire for the period of the match leading up to halftime.  Adam “I’m not just a line out forward, alright” Gillard, was superb... in the lineout, and Niall “don’t tell my employers, but before I started my job as an employment solicitor I knew nothing about English employment law” Pelly carried time and time again. A special mention must be made of Sir James “I am actually a knight, ask me about it over a pint [this is not a joke]“ Duckworth, who turned up with a really crocked shoulder, but still propped for 80minutes.  With the support of Andrew “I’ll be down 1 week in 4, due to my girlfriend (presumably having him under a MASSIVE thumb) Menzies”, who was not only awesome in the tight, but who flew around the pitch, and Luke “nickname to follow, but will ruin the match report if mentioned at this stage” Blackman, the front row really started to dominate their opposite numbers.

This allowed Benny T to run in another well worked try, and to slot a penalty, to take us to 18-12 at the break. Mal “little Jack” Horner had a storming first half at 9, and has plainly been having passing lessons. Martin “Whipsnade” Greenslade (I’m getting really tired now, sorry) replaced him at half time, and marshalled the pack well, particularly in defence.

Paul “The Bogan prince” Morgan had been subbed on in the first half, when Huw had injured himself, and his bulk in the backline was greatly needed in a second half when they threw everything at us. Ben “Hobbies: Getting “canned up” and having “Ben time”” Pattinson had moved to 10, and was directing traffic nicely, bringing Benny “Kurtley Beale wants his pimp-tache back” Anderson and Morgs on to the ball nicely. (N.B. Morgs has insisted that this all Australian 10,12,13 be referred to as “AussieThunder”. He directs your attentions to: www.aussiethunder.com.au (Unlikely to be very work safe.)) We weathered the onslaught pretty well for a while, with notable tackles by Morgs and, err, me. Their winger decided to try and mount my shoulder at one point, and got thoroughly dumped into touch in front of their not inconsiderable crowd (One of whom shouted at him, “it’s alright John, it’s not as though everyone saw that”. The scamp).

The unfortunate backline of Jimi “livin’ on the” Edge, Liam “smug Kiwi” Connor, Will “inbetweeners*” Davies, and Kris “don’t call me American” Roepke didn’t get to do much but tackle for the entire second half. But this they did with gusto.

They managed to get two tries through our tiring defence though, leaving us 22-18 down, with 10mins to play. At this point it is important to note that only Benny T and I seemed to know the correct score, as our subbed men were repeatedly screaming “kick it”, whenever we had a penalty in range, as they thought we were only 2pts down.

Luckily we didn’t, and, after a sequence of penalties, we knocked on, on their 5 metre line. A stupid early engage at the scrum  from them gifted us a free kick, however, and the ref indicated that it would be the last play of the game. I tapped and went, and the ruck formed about 1 metre out. There followed some epic clearing out, not least by Harry “I’m no” Kerr, who had replaced Gillard, and, Luke “I deal in tries: Debut, 82minute winning tries” Blackman, peeled away, and squeezed through the gap like a baby exiting the womb.

23-22 and victory.

An all time classic, and a great game with which to welcome our new recruits. Also, no one had to flee the country this time.

MOM: A few contenders – Benny T for amusingly taking crash balls; Andy Menzies for a great all round performance from prop; but the winner must be Tommy Edmonds, for omnipresence, carrying, and ruck thievery.

Sharpie

---

 

 

Camberley 59 - Mayfair Occasionals 7   - 1st October 2011

written by OJ

---

This Saturday saw us heading away to play Camberley 2s. Camberley are a team new to our circuit, having arrived (in the roundabout way favoured by Surrey Rugby) from several leagues below us. God knows what they were doing last year to those poor teams in the leagues below, as they've now put 50 points on teams in our league in their first 2 outings. They're a team that trains twice a week and are a seriously handy outfit.

We knew we'd need a strong team for this one. However, numbers were short. As the absentees included our captain Tom 'Romantic Mini-break' Sunderland, it fell on me and Mike to try and get a team together. We were down to 12 players from the Occie's mailing list, so we threw ourselves on the mercies of The Threes the Development Squad -  whose captain (Courtney) was good enough to secure us one player, and to throw open his contacts list to see if I could get anyone else. Obviously there's nothing i like more than adding a stackfull of numbers of random dudes to my phone - whilst most of the list politely replied to tell me that they were out of the country, and/or had broken limbs (Me - 'so I'll put you down as a 'maybe', then?') or were just a bit creeped out generally from getting an unsolicited mass text from me inviting them to get on the Occies Vengabus and play rugby and party, we did manage to get one more player, which took us up to 14 - a number which to me justified the game. League rules dictate that if you don't have a front row (as we didn't) you are compelled to drop to 14 anyway - so my argument was that we were effectively arriving with a full team.

I should note here that it has since been made clear that this is not a view held unanimously within the team.

'Nike' McBrinn had generously sorted out a minibus to get down to the game, so we made our journey in good spirit. Unfortunately, as we neared Camberley, it became clear that the dusty haze visible from a mile away emanating from their ground was being caused by the 'Cambo' team thundering through their practice drills with bison-like intensity. Our hopes that maybe they had tired themselves out in the warm up were in vain, as they tore into us from the outset like freaking animals. They were a very well-drilled team, and as big as any side I can remember at our level - their inside centre in particular seemed to have been thawed out straight from the Cro-Magnon era (and not in an zany 'Encino Man' way either). That said, once we'd caught our breath (between the posts) and re-gathered, we did enough to show that we could match them in the collisions - one early run from Benny P in particular had defenders bouncing off his (freshly-waxed) chest. Our makeshift line out more than held its own, and we were surprisingly effective at the breakdown - turning them over several times. We made several line breaks and troubled them with the ball in hand.

They weren't a team to take kindly to such signs of resistance - it's always odd to see a team that is winning comfortably getting marched back by the ref for dissent with his decisions, not to mention their line out leader telling a teammate (line-out hierarchy presumably being a big deal in Camberley) to 'shut the f _ ck up' (Gillard's insistence on shortened line outs and frantically tapped ball seems harmless in comparison). I myself got called a "f _ _ king pr!_k" more times than I am generally used to outside of my annual work appraisal, though to be fair on one of those occasions, as the ruck disentangled, I realised that I had delivered a power-teabag to a prone player of which Courtney Lawes would have nodded approvingly.

At half-time the score was 15 - 0, and as we took our half-time talk in the shade (in itself a first), we felt that a tight finish could yet be on the cards. Indeed the first score of the 2nd half came from us, when a backs move ended up with CJ (marauding on the wing and neglecting his rightful duties in a Tom Croft-ian fashion) taking the ball down the flank deep into the oppo defence. 3 defenders converged upon him, at which point he flipped out a seemingly unsighted pass to me to run manically in a zig-zag fashion to the line deploy the afterburners and burn off the defence to score. Benny P stroked over the extras with aerodynamic ease. Sadly, poking the Camberley bear in the eye turned out to be not such a good idea, as they ramped up the tempo and brought on some (even) bigger replacements, smashed through several well-worked tries as we faded in the sun, and ultimately ran out comfortable winners.

So in analysis:

GOOD

- everyone for turning up and playing in good spirit on an absolutely exhausting day. No back chat given to the ref, the oppo or to ourselves. Possibly because we were all too drained.

- Mike for sorting out the bus, Courtney and the club for sorting out some spare players for us.

- Tommy E and Gillard doing some very effective work at the line out, CJ for making a nuisance of himself at the breakdown. The forwards as a unit for securing clean ball throughout the game.

- Morgz for showing what the Queensland version of an 'Aussie kiss' was when he absolutely smashed a would-be tackler out of the way at a restart.

- The backs generally for working hard in defence and attack against a very handy outfit. Benny P and Mike had big guys running at them all day, and the wingers and Suki had to make a number of last-ditch tackles. Suki was forced to play at 15 (or should that be 14?), and celebrated the Indian Summer (sorry) by continually launching counter-attacks through the asteroid belt that was the Camberley chase defence.

- Great to see some new faces in the team. Young Matt had a great game at 10, released his backline well and looked like he had loads of time on his hands with Alex's service from 9, Old(er) Matt played a great game from flanker, made countless tackles and probed the defence for weak spots with his parabolic runs, and Rich played the enforcing role at 2nd row with all the gentle firmess that one would expect of a custody officer from Wales.

- the minibus driver for letting us 'can up' on the way back, and for giving precisely zero f _ cks about the Highway Code when it came to undertaking at roundabouts and generally dominating the bus lane.

- CJ for getting concerned about team funds going on "expensive water" (ie buying 2 litre (/£1.30) bottles of Evian at the servo -  hardly San bloody Pellegrino).

- Off the pitch, the locals were a good lot - to the extent of their supporters bringing on water for us throughout the game (though we possibly could have done without their cries, albeit well-intentioned, of 'Don't give up, lads! Heads up!')

- the barmaid at the clubhouse.

BAD

- Very little to criticise the 14 who showed up about. We were however a little panicked in attack (when we didn't need to be, given that we were retaining our possession - I was as guilty as anyone of this) and we needlessly kicked the ball away several times to their nippy back three. That's not exactly in the playbook as to how best play a team that has a 1 man / 300 kgs / 2 days training a week advantage over you.

- Anyone reading this who didn't play. It goes without saying that a 15th man would have been appreciated. Maybe even a sub or two.

- Getting a cricket score put on you is always a bit rubbish. Albeit the sort of cricket score that Sharpey's cricket team notches up rather than a real one.

- Whoever had the bright idea of inviting Camberley into our league in the first place

- Me for only scoring one try

MOM - harsh on a number of players, particularly Tommy E and CJ, but I'm giving it to Benny P for 80 mins of really hard work (the only thing that worked harder all day was his post-match tight white singlet).

---

 

Mayfair Occasionals 10-33 Warlingham  - 24th Sept

---

We approached this game looking to build on our two extensive pre-season friendly wins. However, we were playing the newly relegated Warlingham. This is the same team that had comfortably walked to winning our league, defeating us 76-3 along the way only two seasons ago.

As I introduced myself to the cheery referee, it became apparent that he was friends with Andy C. Im not sure if this was a good omen or not…

Our team was bolstered by two new recruits, Jay Patel and Rory Barclay. Both players were wingers introduced by Benny T. During the warm-up , Gillard was particularly keen on ensuring we adopted a 4 man line out, much to the annoyance of our forward pack, whom wanted to keep things simple. As things transpired, however, the opposition (also Gillard’s former team) employed a 4 man line out very successfully. Therefore, we unashamedly  copied the 4 man line out plan that we rubbished during our warm up and we quickly won our own line out ball for the remainder of the game.

The game started a ferocious pace as both sides charged into each other with esteem. Both defences held firm until Warlingham’s pressure eventually told and their impressive wingers scored a try each. Unfortunately our own efforts did not result in points, as we squandered various opportunities: held up over the line twice, not kicking penalties when we would have usually done so.

At half time we were still in the game and I was so keen to avoid 76-3 as it was last time we played them, I repeatedly informed our side that “it was only 3-0 and we are still in this game”. In fact, the score was actually 10-0 at half time. Apparently I missed a try and conversion somewhere along the first 40 minutes.

Suki (hat trick hero and MOM from the previous week) eventually scored our only try and Benny T duly converted and then added a penalty late on.

Steve Mackie, an injury concern at the start of the game, came on at half time but had to retire back to the sidelines after only 10 minutes due to aggravating the hamstring injury that was the concern before the game.

I lasted a full 80mins for the first time this season, despite playing out of position in the front row again. OJ equally played out of position, as he took a place in the back row.

---

 

Being from deepest darkest Croydon, Warlingham called each other "bruv" in a non-satirical, looter-sympathiser way. We should have expected this, as Gillard is originally from there. However, their stash is akin to Argentina kit; this proved to be an accurate omen for the Scotland Argentina game in the RWC.

 

Overall, it was a great try from Suki, who also had some juddering hits in the centre. Benny T also played well; he stroked over a lovely penalty and launched some lovely counter attacks. Hughes was a safe man on the wing and his chip and chase was certainly surprised all concerned.

 

OJ  was impressive as he got away with a no 8 pick from the base of the Warlingham scrum 5m from our line (and getting closer) without getting penalised.

 

Overall the margin flattered them, though they were dominant in the scrum and they had some good wingers. We managed to squander several try scoring opportunities in wasting overlaps, getting held up over the line, and generally lacking composure. That said, we also had a resolute defence and made several try-saving tackles- they were forced to go around us, not through us. Our 4 man line out was very impressive.

 

Gus played exceptionally well, and was the clear candidate for MOM , as his manic aggression stood out. Apparently his pre-season consisted of attending Krav Maga (the Mossad martial art) classes, and it showed!

 

Mayfair Occasionals 64 – 0 Battersea Ironside  -17th Sept 2011

Well, not a bad final pre-season friendly!

As with last week, we started this game with a couple of debutants. They Included Pat Donegan in the centre, and Chris Bull (AKA Bully) on the wing. Both were amongst the stand out players in this whitewash game. We also welcomed Tommy Edmond back into the team following his broken leg in only his second Occies appearance last season.

The day (and the game) started in dazzling bright sunshine. We quickly settled into a slick rhythm of running rugby, reproducing some of the Barbarian rugby to which the ‘forgotten pitch’ in the corner of Fortress Barn Elms has been accustomed.

Jamie Page found himself at the end of a rolling maul that opened up the try scoring fest. However, the build up to this try came at a huge cost, as we lost Charlie to a suspected ligament injury. Naturally, we all hope it isn’t as bad as first feared. This lead to an early substitution and the introduction of Bully on the wing.

(I think we got a couple more tries here)

The next notable incident was the weather! Suddenly, Noah’s Ark looked like a reasonable idea once again as an apocalyptic downpour fell from the sky. This lead to us making use of the rolling substitutions earlier than we had anticipated. Rather than rolling people on and off the field to give them a rest, we started rolling people off the bench to give them a chance to get warm.

I lasted around 30 mins of the game until I hauled myself off so I could have a ‘quiet moment’ to myself on the sidelines and throw most of my breakfast up onto the sidelines. Luckily, the rest of the Occies were supportive, as demonstrated by OJ’s sympathetic words “Get back on the pitch Tom, this isn’t time to have a rest. You need game time”.

Half way through the second half Morgz, clearly in a sour mood having watched the Ireland v Australia game that morning, decided to put a spear tackle in on a particularly mouthy winger for Battersea. To be fair to Morgz, the conditions were atrocious and the winger did kind of fall into it (if that’s possible). Following the incident, Morgz immediately apologised but got a stamp to his chest and was informed “I’m going to rip your f’#*ing mother’s head off, you c*$t”. Not the most supportive words to Morgz, having watched the 2011 Tri Nations Champions get hammered by Ireland that morning.

A lighter moment of the game saw Gillard re-enacting Bambi-on-Ice as he tried to stand up with the ball in hand, fell over; then try to pass the pass but fell over again. Both sets of players, supporters and substitutes laughed at this and I did hear chants of “Don’t pass it to Gillard” from our compassionate substitutes.

There were great performances all over the pitch in this game. Notable strong running from  Suki, Mike, Tommy Edmond, CJ and Hughton. There was also ‘interesting’ running from OJ, back in his familiar scrum half berth. He rightly got a lot of abuse for his 7s-esque running backwards with the ball in hand.

Overall, we totally outplayed Battersea and it was great to beat a side to nil. It was also good to be on the right side of one of these results! Our support play in this game was a as good as it has been for a long time and Tommy Edmond particularly was a great prodigal son for the team.

All in all, we scored 10 tries:

Pagey x2

Suki x3

Tommy Edmond x 1

Hughton x 1

Mike x 1

CJ x 1

A N Other x1

We start our league campaign this Saturday against a Warlingham side that put a lot past us the season before last. It should be an interesting game - their 2s are called the "ex 1s", which sounds about right!

MOM – As we scored so many tries and so many different people scored them, there were many contenders for MOM. Tommy E looked sharp as if he had never been away; CJ made powerful runs despite playing in the energy draining prop position; Mike easily slotted into the 10 position and make some great breaks. Special commendation must also go to Mike, Niall and (half of) OJ for not giving too much abuse to their Australian colleagues of Benny P, Morgz and Pat. However, the winner for scoring a hattrick must certainly go to Mr Bollywood, The Lady Killer himself, Suki Mattu.

---

 

 

 

Mayfair Occasionals 24 – 12 London Scottish  - 10th Sept 2011

written by Tom Sunderland

Our first game of the season came in the form of a friendly against London Scottish. Everyone looked raring to go and the newborns of Johnny B and Hughes did not seem to have a notable affect on either player.

The Occies squad was bolstered by a few debutants: Niall, Will Davies, Tim and Rupert (the latter two were recruited by Jamie “connections” Page on the morning of the game). Special mention must also go to Johnny B for playing out of his preferred position, into the hooker berth. OJ was also playing out of his usual position, as he picked up the number 7 shirt.

It was also a welcome return to the UK for Monkey. He left for the US in May to attempt the appalachian trail (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Appalachian_Trail) and managed to do this in an amazing 117 days. Monkey landed on Friday afternoon, had a skin-full of booze on Friday night and still turned out for us on Saturday. Sterling work!

We turned up for our game and did our customary introductions to each other, panic about why we only had 13 players by the agreed meet time and then set about getting changed. We then nearly got kicked out of the changing room by the 2s coach “Can everyone who isnt in the 2s please leave the changing room immediately? Sorry guys, but this is the 2s” was the ‘reason’ but fortunately someone pointed to an empty changing room next door and the Barn Elms locals were spared the sight of half-naked Occies in the car park. This scenario would have been welcomed by some of our more pose-loving members, such as the attachment.

We started the game relatively well. I put in a big hit on the LS centre and Mal Horner showed the way by sitting down their hooker in a strong charge forwards. Eventually our early pressure bore some fruit as I found myself out wide (having a breather from an earlier ruck) and CJ span a delightful flat pass to me plodding forwards. I subsequently bundled over the try line with a couple of LS players on my back.

Mal Horner continued to make himself busy, making a few darting runs here and there and generally being a bit of a nuisance to LS.

Half time saw us take advantage of the rolling subs agreement, as we made several changes and shuffled the team around. We also introduced Rupert and Tim to the side. It certainly helped refresh our pack and Rupert made an immediate impact, dominating the lineouts on our and on the LS throw.

Later in the second half, Steve Mackie scored a rolling maul try and then LS came back at us with a couple of tries of their own. This set up a tense game with 20 to go. However, Steve Mackie made a great break down the middle and with no-one (yes NO-ONE) in front of him, he made the inexplicable decision to punt a grubber through. He then chased the grubber along with 3 LS defenders and managed to out-run them all and dive on the ball under the posts, giving us a comfortable margin again. Huw Davies duly converted the try.

Huw also seemed to be plagued by the disease currently circulating the fly half world, as he scuffed a few of his penalty kicks that would normally keep the board ticking over with 3 points. To vent his frustration however, Huw did the honourable thing and didn’t blame the ball or the conditions. He did what every self respecting Welshman would do and rolled out some 'your mother' chat to someone he was sledging.

 

Finally, it wouldn’t be fair to avoid mentioning new father no2, Hugues, for his strong performance out on the wing. He did mention to me before the game that it is high time he left the backs and joined the forwards. However, this week we had an abundance of back row players so I asked if Hugues could play on the wing. He duly obliged with no complaints and put in a great effort. He certainly hammered in a good tackle and prevented at least one try.

All in all, it was a nice start to the season, good to blow the cobwebs away, good to see some new faces and get the only 'W' on the board for Barnes RFC on Saturday.

In the clubhouse after the game, there was a comment from the ref to Morgz - something along the lines of – “I was surprised by the result. They should have scored several more tries against you”. On which note I suppose you could compliment our scramble defence (and their inability to finish) as a reason we got the win!

Man of the match – there were several contenders for this: OJ for proving he probably is a back row and not a scrum half; Suki and Mike’s mazy running from the centres; and Mal’s busy game all over the pitch. However, the winner is Steve Mackie for his two try haul, one of which included an outrageous (and unnecessary) grubber.

I need to end this report on a sad note. Stevie ‘Red Lightning’ Clark has had to hang up his boots on the advice of his hand surgeon, due to a recurring thumb injury (probably due to his devastating hand off!). We hope to see him down at the club for a few beers soon.

---