2009 Barnes RFC tour to Argentina

Here is Ben Chambers brilliant diary of the recent Barnes RFC tour to Argentina. This has not been edited in any way!

‘Every time, I think I'm gonna wake up back in the jungle.’

Platoon

Day 1: Arrive in Argentina following stopover in Sao Paulo. Tourist Sally’s ankles have swollen to immeasurable size. Visit quaint pirate-themed bar for steak and ale. Introduced by Tourist Rameses to Iguana – an intriguing test of strength involving leather belts and two bare-chested men. It is in no way gay.

Tourist Gibbo to be later found recumbent in a plantpot – then proceeds to spend rest of night nestling on the cool porcelain of his toilet.

Tourist Payne goes missing in action. Claims to have got lost on way back to hotel. Grazes on knees and thousand-yard stare suggest otherwise.

 

‘I've seen horrors... horrors that you've seen... but you have no right to judge me. It's impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means.’

Apocalypse Now

Day 2: Many tourists up at the crack of dawn to greet the day with a breakfast of Malbec, croissants and sweat. The fine sights of Buenos Aires are enjoyed before another meal of steak.

Go to watch the mighty Boca Juniors in a scintillating one- all draw. Antipodean contingent rapidly lose interest following the lack of men in vests punching an egg-shaped ball. The night continues in an all-you-can eat buffet where Tourist Gibbo, fearing a repeat of the previous night, disappears behind the dessert trolley never to be seen again.  Tourist Cockle J steals the head of a pig from the buffet table.

 

‘When I was at summer camp, I bunked with a kid who collected farts.’

3 Men and a Little Lady

Day 3: Tourists Horse and Zukes show immeasurable fortitude and are still to be found at breakfast drinking and appearing to enjoy it. They retire to bed soon after.

More sightseeing. Tourist Sal calls someone a fucking Spaniard.

The 13 hour coach trip to Mendoza has little to report other than the unexpected delicacy of a cocktail stick of cheese accompanied by a glace cherry.

 

‘I am going to cut off your head, and bury you in the desert.’

Tourist Horse

Day 4: The delightful town of Mendoza nestles in the foothills of the Andes. Having learnt this crucial fact, the tourists proceed to find the nearest restaurant for some steak.

Discover many of the local attractions including Reds, a charming establishment serving a questionable variety of well-aged meat.

Tourist Payne goes missing in action. Last seen talking to a lady with a tattoo of a Rugrat on her back.

 

‘I don’t think I can be alone right now. ’

Westlife

Day 5: The tourists head to the mountains for some manly outdoor pursuits. The rare sight of what first appears to an Andean Yeti in fact turns out to be Tourist Spence prior to his mid-morning shave. Barnes defeat the mountain easily through the medium of whitewater rafting and abseiling.

Steak for dinner.  Tourists enjoy a rousing version of Time to Say Goodbye on the accordion.

‘

Her XXXX smelt of munge’

Tourist Hoppy

Day 6: Tourists head to vineyards to sample the delights of local Malbec. Dead Ant called in both an olive oil factory and on a bicycle. A quiet evening by Mendozian standards as Barnes tourists complete some light fartleks and pilates before knuckling down to some video analysis of tomorrow’s elite opponents.

 

‘Don’t stop believing…’

Journey

Day 7: The day finally arrives when the stalwart Barnes men must play some rugby. At altitude and in midday temperatures of over 30 degrees, Barnes spearhead an exhilarating 60 point demolition of Argentinian’s finest. Notable mentions go to Tourist Jamie for stepping up to provide some much needed beef and experience in the engine room, Tourist  Josh for scoring pleasing tries, and Tourist BigAl, for reducing the opposition prop with a steak-fuelled shoulder charge.

Following the game, the local gauchos treat the brave Barnes jugadors to a feast of steak.

Tourist Darius arm wrestles a motorcycle gang, and wins. Entire Barnes team turned away from local nightclub due to lack of smart shoes, and Tourist Chambers’ dazzling moustache.

 

‘I'm starting with the man in the mirror. I'm asking him to change his ways.’

Tourist Cockle

Day 8: Delicate Barnes tourists head to the hills for some horse-riding. Tourist JHT breaks the spine of a pony.

Thirteen hour bus ride back to Buenos Aires.

 

‘Your friend is being sick in the gutter.

Someone is pissing on his head.’

Argentinian local

Day 9: Arrive back in Buenos Aires to the looming prospect of Tour Court. Tourists gather in the upstairs lounge of the Pirate Bar, where Judge Big Al presides over the tour’s misdemeanors. Locals treat this scene with great delight, including a local policeman, who sits to join in the court session  - drank approximately 290 pints in three hours.

 

 ‘We've gone on holiday by mistake.’

Withnail and I

Day 10. Final day in Buenos Aires ends as it began. With steak, with wine, and with the sight of 30 men and a lady chopping fine wines like water and rolling around the pavement with their feet in the air.

 

‘It is too late to apologise. Too late...’

One Republic